Allison Blevins | Keeping Up

[ cover artwork by Meghan Merchant ]



Imagine How It Feels to Unravel

after Season 13, episode 2: “Paris”

If I can give myself anything, let it be a way into anger. My life breaks my flesh slowly apart, every word a loaded gun with no trigger.   Imagine a woman’s voice singing like a violin. Imagine the oh in the hinge of your knee between cartilage and cap, synovial fluid vibrating. Imagine teeth grinding at night, tires drifting over the sleeper lines, bone against bone the rhythm of unraveling.

              Imagine a simple cadence, people begin clapping, as if living outside the beat is unbearable, each of us a ripped page. My sternum wants to crack from the cage, to unravel. Push two fingers deep into the breast, try to numb the ache. One day, my daughters will spoil: my inner voice will become theirs, we will collect our female thoughts together like daisies: I am ugly. I am flawed. 

Imagine daughter as commodity, something raw. Imagine a factory constructing washers or brads or bearings. Imagine anything manufactured. When my daughters say yes, they will not   understand. We pass our memories through our bodies. One day, their lips will mouth yes automatically. Inside all this slowly parting flesh, I am a mother unraveling.